She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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