You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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