I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
