I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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