I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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