Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize