Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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