WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
your like the ambassador to my penis.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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