When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
