this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
