Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Randomize
