I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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