You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
This is my gift to your gina
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
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