I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
