Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
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God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
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But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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