I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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