I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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