so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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