I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
