This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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