I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
