my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
