My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
