I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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