me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize