This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
