The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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