dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
