Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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