Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
