I am puke
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
where are my eyebrows?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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