I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
