i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
