god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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