yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
