I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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