Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
