Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
i've created a new STD.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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