checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
