You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
You left your phone here
Wait...
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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