SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
