That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
