"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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