i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
