No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
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