but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
