there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
