Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
We're too hungover to prance.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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