tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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