dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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