I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
