Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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