I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
