you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
She made me pour olive oil on her.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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