she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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