Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
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