My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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